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Immature Reactions to Negative Stimulations
20 entries back

Date:2005-04-04 13:31
Subject:I have nothing to say about everything.
Mood: dirty

So, I have this bright pink nail polish from Bed Head on. In a way it reminds me of a some of the shades of nail polish my mom will wear occasionally. When I asked Grant about it (repeatedly) she said something referring to the 5th grade. I don't remember much what I was into when I was in 5th grade, but I don't think I wore nail polish much, if at all, really. I was alway very consious of fashion, though. Even when I went through my everyday is t-shirt and jeans all 4 years of high school. I just spent $105 at Delia's. I bout a dress, a pair of shoes, a tank top and some pants. I'm hoping it all gets here so I can wear some of it to my GRADUATION on FRIDAY. Ooooh, big deal. I'll still have to go to school for 50 more hours after the fact. The state requires Esthetic students to go to school for 550 hours. The school requires 650. If the school wasn't so... "overachieving" I'd be completed by now. I could have a life by now.
But I'm not and I don't.

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Date:2005-01-18 22:35
Subject:If I could kill anyone by mail, I'd pick Michelle.

There's not much about it I can say other that, you annoy the royal hell out of me.
If ever screaming "shut up!" in response to what you said is in order, this is it.
I usually don't have to try very hard to find something I like about a person.
Well, I've tried and I can't find one single thing that I like about you.
Not one. And that's very sad. But what's even sadder is that I'm taking the time to write this post about you. Why do I allow you to bother me so?

Whatever. You're gross.

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Date:2004-11-03 11:17
Subject:This really isn't very healthy...

I do not wish ill things upon you. I do not hope that your life is unfufilling, sad and miserable. I do not hope that you are unsucessful. In fact, that aspect of the universe ceases to cross my mind on a daily basis.
What I do contemplate day after day is how you created an unfufilling, sad, miserable and unsucessful life for me. I do not understand why you thought I deserved that. I gave all I could for you. I was always there. I never treated you like you were unworthy or undeserving of any part of me. Yet, time after time this is the mentality that you forced upon me. Why is that?
What's worse is that I contemplate this now, when I am in a relationship that is fufilling, sucessful and happy. I wonder so often why I allowed you to mistreat me. Why you allowed me to think that I had to settle for being 2nd, taking a backseat to most anything else. And you can argue this all you want, but actions speak louder than words and I remember all your actions.
I remember you spending time alone with other girls and not telling me. I remember you kissing another girl infront of me as if to rub in my face. I remember when your band practice was much more important to you than my graduation party. I remember when my feelings didn't matter to you as long as you got your piont accross. I remember you dancing with another girl at your prom and refusing to dance with me. I remember having to sit out so many fun activities because you did want to go. I remember you out and out lying to my best friend about my morale.
How I can co-exsist in a world with a person like, I don't know.

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Date:2004-10-12 21:44
Subject:I've gone and done it again, folks.
Mood: cranky

You are so completely full of shit!

I can't even believe it!

Made plans? Whatever!

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Date:2004-10-02 10:54
Subject:True, true!

Your Icon is..... by d3athofs3asons
Your Name
Your Age
Your B-day
Your Icon Is....
Quiz created with MemeGen!

My lj wedding by chynafox
you will marrybananaxchick
flower girlem7add11
best manas_it_stands
you will have your last fling withhelloeh
secretly wants to marry you themselfxstraightxedgex
date of the weddingJune 18, 2031
number of times you do it on your wedding night13
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What do people really think about you?
by Raven319
favorite song
Parents thinkYou're too sensitive
Strangers thinkYou're gay
Friends thinkYou're wonderful
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Get to know the REAL you by crash_and_burn
Your Name
You Are A:Thug
Your Favorite Band/SongPink Floyd - Bike
You Like To Read:Religious literature
You Firmly Believe In:Orange juice
Everyone Thinks You Are:You don't have any friends
You Were Conceived:Underwater
You Will Marry:The high-school slut
Quiz created with MemeGen!

At your ten year high school reunion... by robbiewriter
Your school name
Your name
Your job will beTrashman
You will be worth$812,085
Everyone will think youstill live at home
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Love Life by lpfloatsmyboat
favorite color:
best physical quaility:teeth
best personality trait:friendly
will you marry your bf/gf that you have now?no
when will you get married?November 5, 2017
your kiss is:short and sweet
People date you because:you're smart
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your Stripper Info by radioface
first name
Stripper Name:Shanaynay
Specialty:you have the best figure
Customers say:"What a great arse!"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...to die for
Your eyes...twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...the only thing I desire
Your smell is...amazing
Your smile is...encouraging
Your love is...everlasting
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates anope, zero
your best quality isNothing really...
your worst quality isyou trust people too easily
this is becauseOf the people you hang around
Quiz created with MemeGen!

What will your last words be?
by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be..."sex?!!?"
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Who were you in a past life?
by Kat007
Favorite Color:
You were most probably:Sacagawea
If not then you were:Jan Vermeer
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your LJ Prison by redfrog021
Favorite Deadly Sin
You are convicted ofArson of a Trailer Park
And sentenced to10 years
Abusive redneck guardas_it_stands
Easy to bribe guardcollisioncourse
Wants to make you their bitchem7add11
Drops soap in the shower on purposemndlssphlosofr
Works in the laundry and smells people's undieserons
Comes to see you for 'conjugal visits'iluvjulianathry
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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Date:2004-09-27 23:34
Subject:You'll be sorry someday, yes you will, yes you will.
Mood: stressed

It is so frustrating when I meet someone new to have to drag information about them out of... them! Ah! Seriously! I was needed in the nursery tonight, so I went. The other worker was a girl named Lisa who is about a year younger than me. I'm all jabbering about my day and the test I took and what it was like when I was in the Sunday school class she's in now and about Grant's church and this and that and every so often I would ask her something to get her involved in the conversation, or something, anything. And she'd answer and not contribute anything else. It's not like she didn't want to talk or wanted to avoid me or anything, it was just... I don't know. I don't understand people like that. Most times I'll talk and talk about anything and everything... okay, except for those times when... you ask me what I'm thinking about and I'm really not sure what I was thinking about or I was thinking about how you've slept with girls who's names you can't remember but I don't want to have to bring that up again so, I just say that I'm not thinking about anything and then you bug me until I spill it, but other than that I'm pretty free with any attainable information.

Why are some people so shut down to conversation, I'll never know. I'm not sure I want to know. I just want to meet someone who is mentally healthy enough to maintain a conversation and not get all quiet and weird or go off on some tangent about something I don't know about and could care less about. I mean, I know so many people that only want to talk about computers or cars or music or television or gossip. And too many times I get sucked into that, and I'm so tired of it.

I wish I had a better relationship with someone, anyone who was seeking God. Ruthie took me under her wong there for awhile, and that's somehow fizzled out. I'm unsure at this time what my role in our relationship is. I felt like she was the one I spoke to about some issues in my like that needed a mature and godly ear, and she did that, and then we did it again, and then we did it again, and now we're not. I'm afraid to call her because I don't want her to feel obligated to spend time with me, I don't want her to feel like I'm using her or anything, I know she's very busy and I don't want her to feel like our friendship is all her giving and listening to me. I wish I felt like I could be her friend on her level. I'm frustrated because I feel as if she was struggling with something she would share it, but not totally look to someone like me for input, which, I understand why, but at the same time makes me feel like a failure as a friend.

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Date:2004-09-25 09:46
Subject:Made in Thailand.

Ruthie really is right about the whole online journal thing. All they do is cause conflict and other unnecissary whatnot. Since I agree with her, there really is no reason that I should have a livejournal, much less a xanga site.
I like it, that's why.

I'm advoiding the real issue, here.
I guess I really don't understand why Aaron's girlfriends think what they say makes a bit of difference to me. Unless the purpose of replying in my journal is just to annoy me, which I'm sure creates a small bit of pleasure for them... other than that, I don't know why they bother. I mean, seriously, what do they want?
What, because you replied a journal entry I made and told me what a horrible person I am I'm going to see the light and come crawling back to him? Or because you wrote me a harassing e-mail I'm going to suddenly realize that Aaron is a god and I should worship him?

It's the same old story every time. And I wish that they all could know that they have heard only one side of the story. And that I gave him 3 and 1/2 years of my life and I really can't think of anything that would make me want to go back.

And for Aaron, not one of my friends has harassed you or brought it upon themselves to make you feel horrible about yourself, I think that's a really cheap way of your friends letting you know they have your back or whatever.

I don't know, I'm just annoyed and maybe that's what everyone wanted.

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Date:2004-09-24 15:02
Subject:10 Things I really, really hate about you.
Mood: crazy

You are not worth my anger, however, for some reason I'm allowing myself to feel a great deal of negative emotions towards you right now. Just recently I've taken down all the pictures I had of you and me around my room. Memories that are suposed to make me smile or I'm suposed to cherish you always seemed to taint. For every "fun" event we attended I can think of at least 2 ways you could have ruined it for me, if I had let you. Luckily most times I didn't. I did, however, harbor the ill feelings and now I'm left to pay for that.
A song came on the radio a few minutes ago while I was cleaning the kitchen. You have ruined that song for me.
Grant will eat most anything, yet when were discussing food options, like last night when I was making dinner, I feel forced to ask if he will like the food choice because I had gotten so used to catering to your finicky eating habits. That drives me insane.
Everyday I'm constantly reminded how hard you made it for me to stay in the relationship so long. Everyday I wonder why I did. I wonder why I defended your actions, your choices and your personality.
I wonder so often why I was the one that people came to when they wanted to know why your family thinks they are Jewish. I wonder why I had to constantly correct people why they automatically called you my boyfriend when that was not allowed.
And now I wonder why it seems that I just can't let that go. I wonder why I can't just walk away, I mean I'm content with Grant... why can't I just let this all be, why do I need you to pay for the way that you've made me feel.

I guess I have.

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Date:2004-09-01 17:22
Subject:Scabies scare.

What are we going to do when the slightest of somethings sets it off every time?

I'm the first to admitt that I'm all talk.

It's like asking a nympho to lead you out of a room full of porn.

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Date:2004-08-04 13:27
Subject:Truly, Madly, Deeply?
Mood: calm

"...and when they do meet..."

And when we do meet? Because I haven't met him already?

I lost my job today. I called him at 7:30 in the morning to tell him. He dropped everything, everything to come console me. At 7:30 in the morning. I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to.

"...and when they do meet..."

I have met him.
What makes you think you'd accept some unnamed guy more than one with not only a name, but a face?

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Date:2004-07-21 21:15
Subject:When it stops raining, I think I'll take a swim to your house.

I so badly wish that I could release on here. About all the things. All the little things that cause me to do the things I do, and hurt the way I do, and hurt the ones I do.
I don't know why I'm so angry, other than at myself and the mistakes I've made.

An ideal that has been added to my garbage can of theory is that girls become who they will be for the rest of their lives in Junior High. This couldn't be more untrue if it tried. Look at me. In Junior high... I had a lot of friends. I had friends who looked up to me, who looked to me not only for entertainment ideas, but also for advice and comfort. In eighth grade it seemed as if I made new friends daily. And I loved it... perhaps that's where my love for attention began... in that aspect maybe this whole untold theory is true, however, I remember being revolted my the thought of consuming alcohol or premarital sex... and by premarital sex i include the occasional oral tussle.
I wish I could remember the exact age that I was when I participated in the previously stated act... I don't know why, I just wish I knew. I wish I knew what I was thinking the exact moment that it happend. I wish I knew why I thought it was okay. I wish I could say that I don't regret it.
I know why I did it... that, is no mystery. I did it to rebel. I had no intention of remaining the quiet, good girl that everyone intended for me to play. Even if no one new I was... rebelious, I knew, and that made me feel... accomplished.
I've had a dirty mind since the seventh grade. I could out preverse most boys I came in contact with then. Either that, or they didn't want to corrupt me so they kept the banter to a minimum.
What does this have to do with Junoir High and my life now? I don't know. I don't know where I was going with this.

I guess I wanted to come clean to some who read this, who know who they are and whom I consider a dear friend, I want her to know who I am, because I've felt like I've kept my true self from her since we've been friends and I don't like this, and since I'm turning over this whole being honest with myself and everyone around me leaf... heh, I told David I'm pissed at him and slammed the door in his face today... Jamie, I don't know why now, but I want you to know that I've made some very large mistakes in my life. Many that I never could imagine I'd make... I've been keeping them from you because I didn't want to judge myself through you. But, now's the time.
I'm sorry if I was a bad friend for now being outright and discussing what I was struggling with... with you, but I knew all along what I was doing was... wrong, unfufilling and that it would upset you terribly if you knew. I don't know why I'm just addressing this to you, but it seems to me that when we're together we have complete honesty with one another, at least on my part, and this was the only thing I was holding back. I'm sorry. And I hope that you can forgive me for keeping this from you because I value your friendship... and I don't want to waste it by keeping dark secrets from you.
I supose some of that tantrum should go out to Tara, as well, only on a less severe level because I'm pretty sure she figured out it was going on.
Anyway, my friends, I want to be honest with you all, and I want you to know me for me and who I portray because I'm really good at faking it, and I don't want to do that anymore.

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Date:2004-07-06 19:44
Subject:Cause less of you is more than I can take.
Mood: calm

I need a worship album on... right now.

I need a new attitude about life... right now.

I need a new focus, a new reason, a new limit, a new design, a new song, a new look, a new dish, a new expression, a new feel, a new word.

Right now.

I wish I wasn't wasting my life away, but I know I am. I really don't want to wake up some morning married with three kids and realize that my life could have been so much more... so much more. Perhaps I long for those things, but what about right now? What about all the time I'm spending dreaming about it... when I have some I need to use on living right now? Why haven't I taken a photograph in so damn long? What's stoping me? I can't even remember the last time I finished a book I began reading.

Within a moment your life can change.

Breathe on me until I love like you do.

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Date:2004-06-21 20:15

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Date:2004-06-11 16:47
Subject:For all necessary purposes:

I am in love with him.

All of him. Everything about him. He buys me flowers and sends me pictures of hearts... he is amazing and sincere and wonderful. And he prays with me and for me.

I'm going to marry him.
And we're going to have amazing sex when that happens.

I love that he writes about me in his blogger with out shame. I wish so badly that I could write about him publically, but I feel as if I have to hide my love of him from everyone.

However, I'm done with that. I love him. That's it.

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Date:2004-05-30 16:44
Subject:No matter what you do or write...
Mood: cynical

Some people at my job suck.
They are not making good choices with money.
They are not looking at for the good of the mission.
They are hurting our greatest resources.
And they are pissing me off.
They are making it difficult for me to do my job, save do it well. Forget the fucking fact that this is all suposed to be about helping people... but it has become about helping ourselves.
I've learned from THE best how to help myself. I wanted this job to help others. Help other that needed me to help them.

I would also like to piont out that it's fucking sad that people control the needs of others who are less fortunate with the lack of money they donate because of one person's unwish choice. Shame on you. When there are people with needs and you have the means to help them, not to mention, apparently the conviction... how dare you? Seems to me like... oh, what's the word... blackmail?
Oh, yeah, we love Jesus and we most certainly strive to be Chirstlike.
She's a woman. Get the hell over it. Wouldn't the situation be a whole lot fruitful if you, oh, I don't know, maybe, were encouraging towards her? God, because, I don't know, I think we're suposed to love each other... even if some of us are women.
But, I could be way off.

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Date:2004-05-21 23:28
Subject:Nobody needs to know.

I've decided to hate physical contact with other humans.




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Date:2004-05-06 18:12
Subject:Never forget...

I don't even know how to begin. I don't even know what to say. I've been horrible. You don't deserve all I've done to you. You deserve someone so much better than me. So much more loving. So much smarter.
I was happy. I was glad that they were happy for me. All of them... and now I don't know what to be because... of you.
I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't mean for me to be like this. I don't want you to think you don't mean anything to me. You were my first everything... almost.

I'm the one that threw it all away.
You're better off, anyway.

You are the only person I know who, other than my parents, has loved me uncondidtionally.

Maybe someday I'll learn how to love like that.

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Date:2004-04-14 21:25
Subject:You never even knew about the heartache I was going through...

I'm trying so hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

If I could hold the world in my hand, I would give it all to you.

And you don't even care.

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Date:2004-04-12 21:52
Subject:By a thousand stitches...

So, I've never really called myself single before, basically because I've had a husband since I was 16. And now that I don't anymore... it's not cool. I mean, it's nice that a couple guys have taken me out and I've had a great time with them... but this whole... not having a relationship is not great.
And then I think "great, I'm needy" but I really don't think that's the case. It's just nice to have someone who is your's and you can be whoever you want to be around them and you know they know who you are and you know who they are and you both just get each other.
And you both know that if neither of you are doing anything on the weekend you'll be with each other. And you have someone to tell you that you're beautiful. And you have someone to be amazed by. And you have someone...
I'm looking at wedding dresses because I want to have a wedding... my wedding... but here's the thing about weddings... along with it comes marriage... and while I think I'm all like "bring on the husband" I know that I'm completely not ready for that kind of sacrifice.
The piont? Well, there is none. I am single.

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Date:2004-04-12 17:11
Subject:A mended heart...

Guess whose taxes are done?

Guess who gets an awesome return?

Guess who thinks money should not exsist and we should all barter nuts?

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