Emily (rainydayem) wrote,
Emily
rainydayem

Things that I can't write in Xanga.

I never suspected that a girly e-mail that I sent to my best friend, who is currently in Italy for 2 months would end up sent to everyone in my address book, and plastered on a blog for the world to read. Save, that the boy it was about would read it. However, I've given this much thought, and I promise if I had to choose between him reading it and the whole world reading it, I'd choose him. I'm not even sure that the letter that was sent to my family and friends and then pasted on xanga was even the true letter that I wrote. Because I wrote a lot of things in that letter, but there was something he said that I had said in the letter that hurt. I don't believe I wrote that. I wrote things about that issue, but not directly what he said hurt. I would never say he was incapable of that. I guess it doesn't matter anymore what I said or didn't say. Because of this none of my family takes me seriously and are "very concerned about the choices" I'm making. It was a letter I wrote to my best friend, and while I was completely honest... I wouldn't deny the fact that I may have embellished. But now I sound like I'm just trying to cover my ass. Which I'm not because... everything and my ass has now been exposed. The "friends" that it was sent to are people I never see or talk to anymore who, I'm sure now think awful things about me. These friends are people who I look up to and reveled in their acceptance. Now my life is a joke, or something for them to learn from... I'm not sure which is worse. People tell me it will all blow over in awhile. It will never blow over for me. I will always fear that someone is raping my privacy. My thoughts are no longer my own if I write them and send them away. How is it that someone could be capable of such a thing? Someone who has used the word "love" towards me. There isn't even a retaliation appropriate for this action because I have used the word "love" in the past, towards you. How can you hurt someone you once loved? Or thought you loved? Or were trying to love? There are several incriminating and most humilating things I could post for the world to see about you. But I didn't and I never would.

I don't know what this is turning into. I don't want to care about it anymore.
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