Emily (rainydayem) wrote,
Emily
rainydayem

Idiot!

In some strange way, I feel safer writing about this in my livejournal, rather than on my xanga site. More people read xanga, whatever.

Here's the thing: breaking up sucks, there's no dispute over that, but when a break up lasts 4 months, it really sucks. Yes, I am responsible for the break-up, I did all the dirty work. Yes, I encouraged some non-break-up action, that was all my idea. Don't think I haven't learned abything. Don't think that I don't know that my actions hurt you, myself, people who care for us. But don't think that I was purposely trying to make everything go to shit. Don't think that me creating this huge wasteland of emotion, that I didn't want to do the right thing by you.

I'm not writing all this here because I'm a coward, I'll be honestly surprised if you read it, the thing is, I think you need to know that I feel once a relationship is over, like our's, I don't think there is a chance of being friends. Not like you want it, at least, and not like I've put on a cherade that says we could. I don't believe we can. I hadn't spoken to Aaron in 2 years because of that. And I don't think things will be different with us.

Jamie and I have had long talks about this very issue, because you make me believe that we can be friends, for the last 4 months I believed that, and finally she just had to tell me no, it doesn't work like that. You're probably pissed that I bring her up, but she's going through the same thing, only she understands that a friendship with her ex-boyfriend is out of the question. So, don't you see? It's not that I don't want a friend, it's not that at all, it's at this piont, if we keep on pretending, further damage would insue, and neither of us could handle that emtionally.

Furthermore, we bother just want to be happy, we bother just want the other to be happy. I can't pretend to be your friend to make you happy. YOu don't need me to make you happy. The last year of our relationship I didn't make you happy. It's the truth.

The reason for this? If I read it enough, maybe it will make sence to me, and then maybe you.
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